Where It Hurts Most

Several years ago I went through a particularly difficult situation that profoundly affected me. It staggered me for many months and in some ways changed me permanently. I believe the situation was especially challenging because it was an area in which I have struggled for most of my life. I knew it was a weak area for me, and one in which I was particularly vulnerable. In spite of growth over the years, I would probably have evaluated myself as being on semi-solid ground, by no means having mastered it, but experiencing some level of stability.

Ironically, the very situation that I thought was contributing to that level of stability ended up transforming into the most painful situation ever in regards to this particular area of my life. There had been smaller episodes and struggles over the years, through which I believed I had made some progress. This particular incident eclipsed all of the others in its intensity and seemingly denied any progress I had ever made. I was left crushed and hurting, like the floor was taken out from under me. In some ways I am still at a loss, even years later, to know how to properly handle this aspect of my life.

With the passing of time and much communication with God, the situation has become easier to deal with. It is not completely forgotten, and probably never will be, but the pain has subsided. I have made necessary adjustments, and life has moved on. I don't dwell on what happened, but the inevitable reminders of it can still bring sadness and pain. At times I have wondered why it happened. Of all the possible challenges I could have faced in life, why be hit so hard in this particular area of struggle? Why be injured where it already hurt the most? Why this area of life again, and why harder than ever?

I believe God has gradually helped me to see some of the answer to those questions. I do believe the incident happened for a reason. From a human perspective, I would say the situation was wrong and should not have happened. Even through the "wrongness," however, God has His purposes. He wants to use it for good and to bring additional growth in my life. Logically, if this is the area in which I am weakest and need the most growth, then God must return to it often and address it repeatedly.

God is faithful to work with His children over and over in the same areas, gradually bringing growth and maturity. God doesn't give up when His children struggle to master certain concepts. Instead, He is patient and compassionate. In spite of the work to be done, sometimes He even gives times of reprieve in the areas of weakness that concern Him. God knows when to push an issue and when to back off in order to give time for healing and growth in understanding. He prepares the heart, and He knows just how and when to bring the pressure. Because God's purpose is Christ-likeness, He keeps faithfully coming back, strengthening the spiritual muscles a bit more each time until they are finally developed.

Isn't this what He did with Abraham in regard to faith?  Would Abraham trust God and obey Him when God asked him to leave his family and homeland? Would he travel to a strange land? Would he live in tents, never having a permanent dwelling or seeing an established inheritance? What if there was a famine in the land? What if he believed his very life was in danger and that his wife might be taken from him? What if conflict with his nephew led to a parting of ways? What if that beloved nephew was later captured in battle or in danger of destruction? What if the birth of the promised child was delayed for decades? What if Abraham was then asked to sacrifice that child and heir? God kept bringing Abraham back to tests of his faith. Abraham sometimes passed and sometimes failed, but he gradually grew in his faith. He ultimately learned the concept and had victory. Numerous verses in the New Testament hold up Abraham's example of faith, and Hebrews 11 repeatedly attests to it. Abraham learned faith, but it was not always that way. He had to take some hits in some hard areas before he truly learned to trust God.

As with Abraham, God's intent in my life is not to cause pain, but to bring growth. So I cannot view what happened as a painful experience, but as a springboard for helping me to search for answers and seek growth. One thing is certain: the situation that happened has clearly shown me that I am still weak in this area and that I do not have the answers. The repeated challenges in this particular realm keep me aware of my deficiency so that I can continue to seek God for help. They identify for me an area in which I need to grow. It is good for me to realize that I need God and am insufficient in myself instead of thinking I have everything under control.

Honestly, the impact of this particular situation is so great that I often feel clueless and permanently broken in this aspect of my life. Everything I thought I had learned and all the growth I thought I had achieved seem to be completely erased. In some ways I see myself as more deficient in this area than ever before, and the years since the incident haven't changed that. All I can do is to trust God to do His good work through it and to bring growth out of something that looks like only failure and loss to me. I need to remain open and observant to absorb the understanding God wants to give. I must trust Him to teach me and to prompt growth when He knows the timing is right.

While these unexpected incidents and shakeups in life are difficult, confusing, and painful, there is peace in realizing that God is working through them all. There is a confident quietness in the soul through the knowledge that God is purposefully targeting areas of needed growth. There is hope and expectation in knowing that He will do His intended work of maturity even if that means additional pain where it hurts most.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 (NASB)

"Every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit." John 15:2b (NASB)