"Better is open
rebuke than love that is concealed" (Proverbs 27:5).
I might be tempted to say that open rebuke is better than
whispered gossip or unexpressed dissatisfaction. If someone is upset with me,
generally I want to take care of the issue rather than having it hidden and
unresolved. Actually, though, I don't like any kind of rebuke. It is unpleasant
and can be hurtful.
The above verse, however, does not center on the idea of
rebuke, but rather on the idea of love. It is addressing the unpleasant and
hurtful nature of concealed love. Love that is hidden is such a strong negative
that even rebuke is preferable.
How can this be? It is because love is so powerful and so
desired. There are people who grow up with and are surrounded by love; these
people feel loved and acknowledge such. A lot of the world, however, does not
fall into that category. Many people live with abuse and cruelty. Other people
had love at one time, but are now widowed or empty nesters or neglected. A large
segment of society lives in otherwise acceptable circumstances that are devoid
of expressed love and appreciation. These people may actually be loved, but
they don't know it. They are not given enough manifestations or reminders of
that love for love to seem real to them.
This sense of being unloved, or the uncertainty about
whether or not one is loved, is deeply painful and troubling. Those who feel
unloved struggle in society. They battle issues like depression. They seek love
in wrong places, such as illicit relationships or through lowered standards.
They seek love in futile places, such as television characters or books, or by
"buying" friends with gifts.
Love - more specifically, the awareness of being loved - is
a huge deal. Being without love is tragic. Being unaware of love is deeply
painful. The Bible is not wrong when it says that open rebuke is better than
concealed love. Frankly, some people would be glad for the rebuke just to have
someone speak to them or take notice of them.
As Christians, we ought to be good at expressing our love to
each other. Those around us should not feel that we are detached, calloused, or
ambivalent. Those closest to us should not doubt whether we love them. Our love
should be open, active, and obvious.
Expressed love is important
to the recipient.
Many times we will not realize how much someone needs love.
Those feeling alone and unloved don't necessarily display or telegraph their
need in an obvious way. They often put on a happy face, or at least carry a
normal-looking protective shield that masks their pain.
Recently I wrote a citation at work, recommending a coworker
who is excellent at her job. She was advised of the nomination, and when I got
to work the next day, I had a thank you note from her. It turns out that she
was very much in need of the encouragement, and her note was quite expressive
of gratitude for the way I had ministered to her. I didn't even do it with the
purpose of ministry and had no idea that she was in a position where my kind
words would mean so much to her. But having just considered the verse above, I
saw the situation as a powerful illustration of how much people need kindness
and love to be expressed to them.
Our words and deeds can mean so much to others and can have
a value that we did not imagine. "Like
apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right
circumstances" (Proverbs 25:11)
Expressed love is important
to the observers.
The recipient of love is not the only person to whom
expressed love matters. Most of the time our acts of love and words of kindness
will be heard and seen by others. Within the context of the church, it is that
visible love for each other that serves as the strongest testimony to the
world.
"By this all men
will know that you are My disciples, if you have love one for another"
(John 13:34). Love that is not hidden draws the attention of onlookers. It
speaks volumes about the relationships and security that exist within the body
of Christ. It attracts those who desperately desire love by showing them that
there is a setting where true love happens.
Expressed love is important
to God.
Loving one another is the oft-repeated commandment of God throughout
the New Testament. Our love for one another is actually an expression of our
love for God. "If you love Me, you
will keep My commandments" (John 14:15). Our love for God motivates to
keep His commandment of loving others, and God is pleased when we do so.
When we keep our love hidden, God is displeased. "The one who does not love his brother
whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen" (I John 4:20).
How it must grieve the heart of God to see His children craving love, but
receiving no expressions of love from fellow believers!
"Fervently love
one another from the heart" (I Peter 1:22). How do we know who most
needs love? We probably don't, but we can love anyone. When we express our love
to someone who already feels loved, that person will have even more love to
pass on to others. When we express our love to someone who desperately craves
it, we can make a huge difference, changing his day or even changing his life. In
both cases, we strengthen the bond of Christian family that exists between us.
Open rebuke may be painful, but that pain is often somewhat
expected, because it comes from supervisors or adversaries. Hidden love is more
painful, because it comes from friends and family from whom love is expected
but not given. Hidden love leaves people hurting; expressed love brings great
joy.
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Responding to Hurting People
Life often presents awkward settings, when people just
aren't quite sure what to do. One scenario in which such uncertainty exists is
when a person observes a friend who is going through a very hard time. Especially
if the observer has not gone through a similar difficulty, he can be challenged
to know how to respond.
Let's assume a few things. First, the sufferer is under significant duress in a legitimately difficult situation. Second, the sufferer has an overall desire to please God in his life, including this trial. Third, the observer has a sincere desire to help his friend. Fourth, the observer also has a spiritual perspective on life.
This study could obviously be more thorough, but I chose several verses from the book of Job to provide a few general principles for responding to hurting people.
1) Compassionately acknowledge the depth of the pain.
"Pity me, pity me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has struck me" (19:21). "Look at me and be astonished, and put your hand over your mouth" (21:5).
When someone is in special difficulty, he doesn't want his problem to be minimized. To casually glance over the situation and dismiss its severity is calloused and unfeeling. To deny the reality of the situation will hinder the ability to deal with it properly. When someone is suffering, one of the foremost things he wants is for someone to care - in particular when that caring is based on some level of comprehension. He wants observers to take the time to try to understand his situation and to respond with an appropriate level of sympathy and dismay.
2) Patiently listen to the one who is hurting.
"Listen carefully to my speech, and let this be your way of consolation. Bear with me that I may speak" (21:2-3). "You are all worthless physicians. O that you would be completely silent, and that it would become your wisdom!" (13:4-5).
The one who is suffering is the one who needs to work through the situation, and this requires analyzing, evaluating, identifying, and considering. It is important that the sufferer have the safe opportunity to talk things out without being attacked. Listening is a great demonstration of caring, especially when the words are painful and personal. A verbal response by the listener is not always needed, especially not a lengthy one.
3) Carefully control the verbal responses.
"Truly then you are the people, and with you wisdom will die! But I have intelligence as well as you; I am not inferior to you" (12:2-3). "Sorry comforters are you all. Is there no limit to windy words?" (16:2-3). "How long will you torment me and crush me with words? These ten times you have insulted me; you are not ashamed to wrong me" (19:2-3).
It is natural to want to respond, and it is natural to want to share something that will help. Job identifies several problematic types of speech that are common for those who don't understand the particular trial (or severe suffering of any kind). It is easy for the listener to be insulting by sharing truth that is so foundational as to appear demeaning. Often the sufferer has already delved into the depths of a truth and doesn't want to be reminded of the most basic level as if he didn't already know. Another mistake is just to talk and talk and talk, trying to fill the space. A few carefully selected words are better than a plethora of shallow ones. A third error is passing judgment. The listener should not assume sin or failure or judgment. Like Job's friends, the listener probably has no idea what is really behind the trial.
4) Graciously edify with a kind spirit.
"For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty" (6:14). "I could strengthen you with my mouth, and the solace of my lips could lessen your pain" (16:5).
Job tells exactly the kinds of responses he wants and needs: kindness, support (strength), and solace. Life is already harsh enough without observers adding to the pain. The friends should do what they can to make things better, to introduce some pleasantness into a dark situation. Despair already abounds; he doesn't need any help toward more negativity. This does not mean glibly spouting words that have no substance and may not be true. "Everything will turn out okay" is empty and meaningless. Only God knows that. Words of love are appropriate. Words of prayer. Words that share comforting truth about God. Offers of support and friendship and help. These are words that will edify and that will bring hope and comfort.
Job gives a reason for this type of speech: to help the sufferer not to turn away from God. Christians can and should play a very important role in the lives of their hurting friends. Those who are strong are to help those who are weak. With weakness and pain come temptations and frailty. It is easier to fall under those conditions. A good friend - one who compassionately cares, patiently listens, carefully speaks, and graciously edifies - can be a tremendous help and protection for someone in a trial. That friend can make a difference, and might even be the deciding difference in how the sufferer grows and emerges from the time of struggle.
Let's assume a few things. First, the sufferer is under significant duress in a legitimately difficult situation. Second, the sufferer has an overall desire to please God in his life, including this trial. Third, the observer has a sincere desire to help his friend. Fourth, the observer also has a spiritual perspective on life.
This study could obviously be more thorough, but I chose several verses from the book of Job to provide a few general principles for responding to hurting people.
1) Compassionately acknowledge the depth of the pain.
"Pity me, pity me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has struck me" (19:21). "Look at me and be astonished, and put your hand over your mouth" (21:5).
When someone is in special difficulty, he doesn't want his problem to be minimized. To casually glance over the situation and dismiss its severity is calloused and unfeeling. To deny the reality of the situation will hinder the ability to deal with it properly. When someone is suffering, one of the foremost things he wants is for someone to care - in particular when that caring is based on some level of comprehension. He wants observers to take the time to try to understand his situation and to respond with an appropriate level of sympathy and dismay.
2) Patiently listen to the one who is hurting.
"Listen carefully to my speech, and let this be your way of consolation. Bear with me that I may speak" (21:2-3). "You are all worthless physicians. O that you would be completely silent, and that it would become your wisdom!" (13:4-5).
The one who is suffering is the one who needs to work through the situation, and this requires analyzing, evaluating, identifying, and considering. It is important that the sufferer have the safe opportunity to talk things out without being attacked. Listening is a great demonstration of caring, especially when the words are painful and personal. A verbal response by the listener is not always needed, especially not a lengthy one.
3) Carefully control the verbal responses.
"Truly then you are the people, and with you wisdom will die! But I have intelligence as well as you; I am not inferior to you" (12:2-3). "Sorry comforters are you all. Is there no limit to windy words?" (16:2-3). "How long will you torment me and crush me with words? These ten times you have insulted me; you are not ashamed to wrong me" (19:2-3).
It is natural to want to respond, and it is natural to want to share something that will help. Job identifies several problematic types of speech that are common for those who don't understand the particular trial (or severe suffering of any kind). It is easy for the listener to be insulting by sharing truth that is so foundational as to appear demeaning. Often the sufferer has already delved into the depths of a truth and doesn't want to be reminded of the most basic level as if he didn't already know. Another mistake is just to talk and talk and talk, trying to fill the space. A few carefully selected words are better than a plethora of shallow ones. A third error is passing judgment. The listener should not assume sin or failure or judgment. Like Job's friends, the listener probably has no idea what is really behind the trial.
4) Graciously edify with a kind spirit.
"For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty" (6:14). "I could strengthen you with my mouth, and the solace of my lips could lessen your pain" (16:5).
Job tells exactly the kinds of responses he wants and needs: kindness, support (strength), and solace. Life is already harsh enough without observers adding to the pain. The friends should do what they can to make things better, to introduce some pleasantness into a dark situation. Despair already abounds; he doesn't need any help toward more negativity. This does not mean glibly spouting words that have no substance and may not be true. "Everything will turn out okay" is empty and meaningless. Only God knows that. Words of love are appropriate. Words of prayer. Words that share comforting truth about God. Offers of support and friendship and help. These are words that will edify and that will bring hope and comfort.
Job gives a reason for this type of speech: to help the sufferer not to turn away from God. Christians can and should play a very important role in the lives of their hurting friends. Those who are strong are to help those who are weak. With weakness and pain come temptations and frailty. It is easier to fall under those conditions. A good friend - one who compassionately cares, patiently listens, carefully speaks, and graciously edifies - can be a tremendous help and protection for someone in a trial. That friend can make a difference, and might even be the deciding difference in how the sufferer grows and emerges from the time of struggle.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Everybody's Doing It!
"Everybody's doing it!" exclaims every child ever.
And most adults. The crowd mentality has been used as justification for doing
many things that should not be done. There is even a specialized version of
this argument that implies increased authorization: "The pastor's kids are
doing it." If a spiritual leader can be found as an example, the action or
activity gains even more legitimacy.
The Bible is clear, however, that God is the authority. What God says is supremely important, regardless of what others say or do. After all, He is the one who created everyone and everything, and He is the one who wrote the Book. The Bible is also clear that each person is individually responsible before God to do what is right, independent of what others do. God is looking for men and women with the devotion and courage to be different when it comes to obedience. He is looking for Christians who will do what is right even when those around them do not.
The final chapters of Ezra provide a sad example of the influence of the crowd. Significant time had passed since the Jews had returned to rebuild the temple, probably about eighty years. The delays and opposition had passed, the construction was completed, and the new temple was dedicated. Ezra arrived in Jerusalem with a new group of people and new gifts for the temple.
A group of leaders approached Ezra and disclosed a problem. "The people of Israel and the priests and the Levites have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands, ... for they have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and for their sons, so that the holy race has intermingled with the peoples of the lands" (Ezra 9:1-2).
Ezra was understandably upset over this news. At the most basic, it was obvious disobedience to God's command. Perhaps more poignantly, the remnant was just returning from captivity - a captivity brought about as punishment for previous disobedience. Throughout Israel's history, the people had intermarried with the heathen tribes, and as a result, had been led into false worship. The mixed marriages may have been the most detrimental factor in leading Israel away from God and bringing His judgment. Now that God was restoring the people, repetition of that same sin seems egregious and dangerous.
It wasn't just one person who did wrong. The problem was widespread. In fact, when the decision was made to address the issue, the people revealed that the problem was big enough that it couldn't be fully dealt with immediately. "But there are many people ... nor can the task be done in one or two days, for we have transgressed greatly in this matter" (10:13).
Sadly, the leaders were also involved. "Indeed, the hands of the princes and the rulers have been foremost in this unfaithfulness" (9:2). The Levites were not guiltless, either. In fact, the priests were among the worst offenders (one of the few groups to exceed a 5% offense rate). Among the priests was a man named Jeshua. Not one, not two, not three, but four members of that family had married foreign wives (10:18). Several others of the Levites, priests, singers, and gatekeepers are listed as offenders.
If those spiritual leaders were involved in the practice, it was that much easier for the common people to follow. When one started, it was easy for others to follow suit. In Jeshua's family, for example, it must have been much easier for the fourth son to disobey than it was for the first. Far and away, the worst family was that of Nebo. Of only fifty-two persons who returned to Jerusalem, seven of them married foreign wives - over 13%! This family created an atmosphere in which God's commands didn't matter and a safe haven for those who chose to disobey. The sin became accepted, and easier each time. A total of 113 men are listed who disobeyed God in this area. Who even blinked the 113th time?
Sin snowballs. I am reminded of the story line of "Fiddler on the Roof." The first daughter marries a good man that she loves, but only after she manages to break the engagement that her father has (according to tradition) arranged. The second daughter marries a stranger whom she has chosen for herself without even asking her father's permission. The third daughter elopes with a non-Jew. Each daughter stepped further and further from what was accepted. Although the father hated what was happening, after the line had been crossed once, it became increasingly difficult to hold any standard.
These stories - both from the Bible and from man's imagination - illustrate how important it is not to let the standard drop in the first place. They show the dangerous trends that can follow a leader's choice. They show the rebellion that can pervade families when one person chooses his own way.
There are two great cautions. First, each Christian must determine to follow and obey God no matter what "everybody else" is doing and regardless of which leaders might be included in that group. Second, each Christian must recognize the serious consequences that his own disobedience can potentially have in making it easier for others to rebel also. Families and groups of Christians do exert influence on each other. Let it be the right influence!
"You shall not follow the masses in doing evil, nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to turn aside after a multitude to pervert justice" (Exodus 23:2).
The Bible is clear, however, that God is the authority. What God says is supremely important, regardless of what others say or do. After all, He is the one who created everyone and everything, and He is the one who wrote the Book. The Bible is also clear that each person is individually responsible before God to do what is right, independent of what others do. God is looking for men and women with the devotion and courage to be different when it comes to obedience. He is looking for Christians who will do what is right even when those around them do not.
The final chapters of Ezra provide a sad example of the influence of the crowd. Significant time had passed since the Jews had returned to rebuild the temple, probably about eighty years. The delays and opposition had passed, the construction was completed, and the new temple was dedicated. Ezra arrived in Jerusalem with a new group of people and new gifts for the temple.
A group of leaders approached Ezra and disclosed a problem. "The people of Israel and the priests and the Levites have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands, ... for they have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and for their sons, so that the holy race has intermingled with the peoples of the lands" (Ezra 9:1-2).
Ezra was understandably upset over this news. At the most basic, it was obvious disobedience to God's command. Perhaps more poignantly, the remnant was just returning from captivity - a captivity brought about as punishment for previous disobedience. Throughout Israel's history, the people had intermarried with the heathen tribes, and as a result, had been led into false worship. The mixed marriages may have been the most detrimental factor in leading Israel away from God and bringing His judgment. Now that God was restoring the people, repetition of that same sin seems egregious and dangerous.
It wasn't just one person who did wrong. The problem was widespread. In fact, when the decision was made to address the issue, the people revealed that the problem was big enough that it couldn't be fully dealt with immediately. "But there are many people ... nor can the task be done in one or two days, for we have transgressed greatly in this matter" (10:13).
Sadly, the leaders were also involved. "Indeed, the hands of the princes and the rulers have been foremost in this unfaithfulness" (9:2). The Levites were not guiltless, either. In fact, the priests were among the worst offenders (one of the few groups to exceed a 5% offense rate). Among the priests was a man named Jeshua. Not one, not two, not three, but four members of that family had married foreign wives (10:18). Several others of the Levites, priests, singers, and gatekeepers are listed as offenders.
If those spiritual leaders were involved in the practice, it was that much easier for the common people to follow. When one started, it was easy for others to follow suit. In Jeshua's family, for example, it must have been much easier for the fourth son to disobey than it was for the first. Far and away, the worst family was that of Nebo. Of only fifty-two persons who returned to Jerusalem, seven of them married foreign wives - over 13%! This family created an atmosphere in which God's commands didn't matter and a safe haven for those who chose to disobey. The sin became accepted, and easier each time. A total of 113 men are listed who disobeyed God in this area. Who even blinked the 113th time?
Sin snowballs. I am reminded of the story line of "Fiddler on the Roof." The first daughter marries a good man that she loves, but only after she manages to break the engagement that her father has (according to tradition) arranged. The second daughter marries a stranger whom she has chosen for herself without even asking her father's permission. The third daughter elopes with a non-Jew. Each daughter stepped further and further from what was accepted. Although the father hated what was happening, after the line had been crossed once, it became increasingly difficult to hold any standard.
These stories - both from the Bible and from man's imagination - illustrate how important it is not to let the standard drop in the first place. They show the dangerous trends that can follow a leader's choice. They show the rebellion that can pervade families when one person chooses his own way.
There are two great cautions. First, each Christian must determine to follow and obey God no matter what "everybody else" is doing and regardless of which leaders might be included in that group. Second, each Christian must recognize the serious consequences that his own disobedience can potentially have in making it easier for others to rebel also. Families and groups of Christians do exert influence on each other. Let it be the right influence!
"You shall not follow the masses in doing evil, nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to turn aside after a multitude to pervert justice" (Exodus 23:2).
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