Friendship: Part 1

I'm not an expert on friendship, but I have enjoyed some good friendships. I've also misunderstood friendships enough to have learned something from that perspective. One observation regards the formation of friendships - what brings friendships about, and more significantly, what doesn't.

Often unconsciously and benignly, we try ineffective approaches to friendship. One common tactic is trying to make someone be your friend. You can't force friendship. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, you can't make it happen by persistent attempts or repeated invitations.

A second unsuccessful approach is trying to convince someone to be your friend.  Arguing convincingly about how much you need a friend or how much that person seems right for you may produce a sense of guilt or obligation, but will be ineffective in establishing true friendship. The targeted person might agree that you need a friend, but will defer that role to someone else.

A third ineffective tactic is trying to earn friendship. You can't buy friendship by spending money or giving gifts. You can't earn friendship by doing special things for people. True friends will perform those actions because the friendship already exists, but not to obtain it. A friendship on this basis will not be genuine or lasting.

I believe the best foundation for friendship is mutual interests and similar personalities. You typically get along with others who are like you. Common bonds can be based on church, work, life status, hobbies, background, or family connections. As far as personality, friends often have in common that they are shy, bold, talkative, adventurous, easy-going, reserved, serious, or other qualities. The qualities you possess seem right and comfortable to you, and you appreciate them in others. Part of personality compatibility involves being reasonably likeable; friendships will struggle if there are glaring personality flaws, destructive habits, or anti-social behaviors.

Rarely, we might experience or observe  a friendship that contradicts everything written above. It is truly special when, out of a generous heart of compassion, someone deliberately chooses to befriend someone who needs a friend, although neither common bonds nor likeable personality exist.

"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). "For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God" (Romans 5:10). "You were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds" (Colossians 1:21).

These are just three verses that describe the condition we were in when God reached out to us. We were sinners, enemies, alienated and hostile. Using human analysis, this friendship shouldn't have happened. We had nothing in common with God and didn't share a similar personality. We had glaring personality flaws and anti-social behaviors that would have discouraged anyone else from even trying.

God offers the most incredible example of a generous heart of compassion. No one else has ever approached the level of His deliberate overtures toward someone who desperately needed a friend. No one else has ever been willing to overlook so much.

The wonder does not stop there. We recognize differing levels of friendship, distinguished by the depth of expression of love. In the human realm, there are some rather shallow friendships. From that minimal position, friendships exist at every level of a spectrum until we reach friendships in which one person sacrifices for the other, perhaps even risking his life. In general, the amount that someone is willing to sacrifice indicates the depth of love.

Here God's love shines superior once again. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). "Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God" (I Peter 3:18). "He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross" (I Peter 2:24). Our amazing God actually offered the ultimate expression of friendship to us when we were completely unlovely and in no way inviting or welcoming His friendship. That is incredible!

In considering human friendships, two aspects have probably been the most painful and disappointing to me. The first is the realization that many friendships are temporary. People's lives change, people move away, and many other things happen to effectively end a friendship as far as practical manifestation. That will never happen with God. His love is eternal, and He will never leave me and never forsake me.

The second disappointment has been in realizing that a friendship was more valuable and meaningful to me than it was to the other person. I often considered someone to be on my "top ten friends of all time" list, only to somehow discover that I was one of hundreds for them, nothing more than a casual friend. Again, this will never happen with God. He loves me with a level of love that I can't even imagine. There is never a danger that I will lose my importance to Him or my special place in His heart.

Charles Gabriel wrote a wonderful hymn titled "My Savior's Love."

1. I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus, the Nazarene,

And wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean.

2. For me it was in the garden He prayed, "Not my will, but Thine."

He had no tears for His own griefs, but sweat drops of blood for mine.

3. He took my sins and my sorrows; He made them His very own;

He bore the burden to Calvary and suffered and died alone.

4. When with the ransomed in glory His face I at last shall see,

'Twill be my joy through the ages to sing of His love for me.

Chorus: How marvelous, how wonderful! And my song shall ever be:

How marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!           

"No longer do I call you slaves . . . but I have called you friends. . . . You did not choose Me but I chose you" (John 15:15-16).