Responding to Hurting People

Life often presents awkward settings, when people just aren't quite sure what to do. One scenario in which such uncertainty exists is when a person observes a friend who is going through a very hard time. Especially if the observer has not gone through a similar difficulty, he can be challenged to know how to respond.

Let's assume a few things. First, the sufferer is under significant duress in a legitimately difficult situation. Second, the sufferer has an overall desire to please God in his life, including this trial. Third, the observer has a sincere desire to help his friend. Fourth, the observer also has a spiritual perspective on life.

This study could obviously be more thorough, but I chose several verses from the book of Job to provide a few general principles for responding to hurting people.

1) Compassionately acknowledge the depth of the pain.
"Pity me, pity me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has struck me" (19:21). "Look at me and be astonished, and put your hand over your mouth" (21:5).

When someone is in special difficulty, he doesn't want his problem to be minimized. To casually glance over the situation and dismiss its severity is calloused and unfeeling. To deny the reality of the situation will hinder the ability to deal with it properly. When someone is suffering, one of the foremost things he wants is for someone to care - in particular when that caring is based on some level of comprehension. He wants observers to take the time to try to understand his situation and to respond with an appropriate level of sympathy and dismay.

2) Patiently listen to the one who is hurting.
"Listen carefully to my speech, and let this be your way of consolation. Bear with me that I may speak" (21:2-3). "You are all worthless physicians. O that you would be completely silent, and that it would become your wisdom!" (13:4-5).

The one who is suffering is the one who needs to work through the situation, and this requires analyzing, evaluating, identifying, and considering. It is important that the sufferer have the safe opportunity to talk things out without being attacked. Listening is a great demonstration of caring, especially when the words are painful and personal. A verbal response by the listener is not always needed, especially not a lengthy one.

3) Carefully control the verbal responses.
"Truly then you are the people, and with you wisdom will die! But I have intelligence as well as you; I am not inferior to you" (12:2-3). "Sorry comforters are you all. Is there no limit to windy words?" (16:2-3). "How long will you torment me and crush me with words? These ten times you have insulted me; you are not ashamed to wrong me" (19:2-3).

It is natural to want to respond, and it is natural to want to share something that will help. Job identifies several problematic types of speech that are common for those who don't understand the particular trial (or severe suffering of any kind). It is easy for the listener to be insulting by sharing truth that is so foundational as to appear demeaning. Often the sufferer has already delved into the depths of a truth and doesn't want to be reminded of the most basic level as if he didn't already know. Another mistake is just to talk and talk and talk, trying to fill the space. A few carefully selected words are better than a plethora of shallow ones. A third error is passing judgment. The listener should not assume sin or failure or judgment. Like Job's friends, the listener probably has no idea what is really behind the trial.

4) Graciously edify with a kind spirit.
"For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty" (6:14). "I could strengthen you with my mouth, and the solace of my lips could lessen your pain" (16:5).

Job tells exactly the kinds of responses he wants and needs: kindness, support (strength), and solace. Life is already harsh enough without observers adding to the pain. The friends should do what they can to make things better, to introduce some pleasantness into a dark situation. Despair already abounds; he doesn't need any help toward more negativity. This does not mean glibly spouting words that have no substance and may not be true. "Everything will turn out okay" is empty and meaningless. Only God knows that. Words of love are appropriate. Words of prayer. Words that share comforting truth about God. Offers of support and friendship and help. These are words that will edify and that will bring hope and comfort.

Job gives a reason for this type of speech: to help the sufferer not to turn away from God. Christians can and should play a very important role in the lives of their hurting friends. Those who are strong are to help those who are weak. With weakness and pain come temptations and frailty. It is easier to fall under those conditions. A good friend - one who compassionately cares, patiently listens, carefully speaks, and graciously edifies - can be a tremendous help and protection for someone in a trial. That friend can make a difference, and might even be the deciding difference in how the sufferer grows and emerges from the time of struggle.